I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
