I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
