where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
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