i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
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