Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
