I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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