Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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