I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
