____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
