i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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