um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
