I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
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