Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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