he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Randomize
