then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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