Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Just invented taco cereal.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
