Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You smell like a Billy Joel song
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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