paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
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