I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
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Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
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She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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