Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
