On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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