Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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