Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
