Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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