It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
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So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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