My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
