Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
My breath smells like gin and sadness
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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