Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
