Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
