Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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