FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
