I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
