whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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