I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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