You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
These 15 Honest Illustrations Show What Women Do When No One Is Watching
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.