Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.