i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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