I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
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