Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
