threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
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I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
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Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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