jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Randomize
