Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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