my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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