I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
