I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
