hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
