The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
