sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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