you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
