This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
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