My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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