I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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