im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I think i got beer on your cat.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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