I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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