btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
