you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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